Your Guys lil’ Guy- The Six Nicknames You Should Never Use

taylor-swift-harry-styles-meme

 

Trust me ladies, if you’ve used the “I have an excuse” headache too many times this month, there’s a sure way to get out of romantic time with your partner. All you have to do is call your man’s special friend by one of these 6 nicknames. It’s not only sure to kill the mood, it also may send your guy off to therapy!

  1. Speedy Gonzales
  2. Napoleon
  3. Sir Droops-A-Lot
  4. Michael Slowbender
  5. Fetty Not
  6. Lil buddy

Not impressed? Well, I got you on my blog didn’t I? That’s what this list was all about. Getting new readers and testing my theory that low brow sexual references get more hits than articles about Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS). I am sure many people would have found my last article, about Laura Hillenbrand’s success despite CFS, inspiring. But when you are exhausted 24/7, you don’t tend to look up random blogs on WordPress.

I’ll admit something, but you have to promise you’ll keep it between us. I have the social media presence of an 85-year old woman living at an assisted living center in Boca Raton. Let me take that back. She probably has more Facebook friends. I am convinced I could post I won the lottery and my friend’s picture of her grilled cheese would get more likes. I am not talking about gourmet grilled cheese either. I am talking Kraft singles and Wonder bread.  Which brings me to today’s blog. I am convinced that talking about sex will make me more interesting.

I know that my attempt at coming up with funny nicknames wasn’t that great. But, you have to admit #4 is clever. If you don’t think so, google “Michael Fassbender junk” and you’ll get the joke. That dude is packing and I am not talking about a gun.

For all those white moms who don’t listen to rap, you may find this link helpful when considering number 5. The song just happens to be my ring tone:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qcEPDj0ROUM

What I don’t get is why can’t I find the official music video online? I’ve never had that issue when searching for Taylor Swift’s videos. You can find that bitch anywhere.

I have changed my view of Taylor over the years. I loved the story of how she wrote Tim McGraw in her high school’s bathroom. She was only 14 at the time. At 14 I was watching the Cosby Show while trying to use a curling iron to straighten my hair. I had no idea Cosby was spiking half his female guest stars drinks at the time. In fact, I am pretty sure I never heard of roofies but it was so long ago, maybe it didn’t exist.  Back then, you had to use chloroform.

Back to Taylor. She annoys me. I think it’s because of her “girl squad” of famous women that surround her everywhere. I know that if she wasn’t famous and rich, half these girls would want nothing to do with her. Taylor’s “OMG- I won!” reaction at every awards’ show has gone from cute and humble to stupid and acted over the years. But, the final “I hate Taylor” moment occurred when she threw a temper tantrum over 3 dancers leaving to join Katy Perry’s tour. Taylor claimed Katy was purposely sabotaging her tour, as if Katy would need to do that. As reported by Business Insider, here is the real story:

Lockhart Brownlie said that he and three other dancers had left Swift mid-tour to work with Perry. This was before the feud had even gone public.

Brownlie told the Examiner that he’d worked on Swift’s Red tour for the first six months. Then, he and two other dancers who’d worked with Perry before heard from her. She wanted to hire them again.

“Obviously, we were with Katy for two and a half years, she’s like family to us, so we were like, ‘Absolutely,'” Brownlie told the Examiner. “We weren’t really dancing in Taylor’s tour anyway so I had got a little bored and I really wanted to do a promo tour.”

At least one of the stolen dancers was still working with Perry when she performed at the Super Bowl Halftime Show — he was the much lauded “right shark,” Celebuzz reports.

Then, Swift released her video for “Bad Blood.”

We already knew the song was most likely about Perry. The music video alluded further to their feud.

In it, Swift and a brown-haired sidekick (played by Selena Gomez) fight off a bunch of bad guys together. Then, after they’ve beaten all of the men, the brunette counterpart turns on Swift. After that, Swift rounds up a girl group consisting of her real-life besties in hopes of exacting revenge.

Okay, had enough of Taylor yet? We’ll get back to our profound discussion about dick nicknames. You know, I really don’t like writing about this stuff but I figured you’d prefer it to posting the new Nutella brownie recipe I plan to try tonight.

I listed the name Napoleon as a “don’t do” because word on the cobblestone street is he’s really short.

But that wasn’t the case. When you convert his reported height from French to International units (yeah-I am pretending I know the difference), Napoleon was 5 foot 7. According to at least one site, the average male height in France was 5 foot 5. Who knew? Still, I am pretty sure your guy will be insulted if you call him Napoleon. Unless he thinks you are referring to him being a conqueror. In that case, you can forget about watching TLC tonight.

 

 

 

 

 

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